"And Guest" Two dreaded words

The most terrifying two-word combination that a single woman can read is “and Guest” written in calligraphy on the front of an oversized, ecru-colored envelope.  Even the most self-assured woman is stopped dead in her tracks when she realizes that she is expected to bring a date to a social function and she can’t think of anyone to take with her.

I recently received one of those envelopes.  My friend Sharon was getting married. My first thought was, Oh my God. Who am I going to invite as my guest? I can’t show up alone.  “and Guest” implies that they are expecting me to bring a date.  An escort.  A dance partner.

  I went through a mental checklist of all of the men I know.  Let’s see now.  What about Henry? No, he’s married.  John? No, he’s seeing someone else.  Robert? No, his behavior embarrasses me when we’re out in public.  There’s Carl.  No, I unceremoniously dumped him and humiliated him in front of his friends and co-workers.  Humm.  I wonder if he’s still holding a grudge?

I searched for my address book.  I frantically flipped through the pages trying to remember which men I hadn’t referred to as “The Asshole of the Year” to my friends.  Looking at the names, I wished that I had returned some of those telephone messages from phone calls that I had avoided.  Messages that were left on my answer machine by men while I stood there listening their voices over the speaker as they poured out their hearts onto a twenty-second tape.  As I considered how my past behavior resulted in my current predicament, I reprimanded myself, I have to change my ways.  Tomorrow.

I began to panic.  I suppose that I could respond and tell Sharon that I would not be able to go to her wedding.  No, that wouldn’t work.  I would have to come up with an excuse, a lie, and then I would have to remember it for the rest of my life.  Then I would have to be on my toes at all times and be prepared to convincingly discuss my excuse, in great detail, every time Sharon reminisced about her wedding.  Maintaining a lie for several years is just too much pressure for me to endure.  Lying was not an option.

Wait just one minute!  Sharon knows perfectly well that I’m not dating anyone right now.  Is she trying to punish me?  Is she trying to humiliate me?  How could she be so cold?  I became indignant, That’s it!  I’m not going and that will show her!  Those thoughts faded when reality stepped in and I remembered that the world doesn’t revolve around me and that Sharon’s wedding ceremony and reception were not maliciously planned with the express purpose of embarrassing me.

I thought about being honest and logical.  Perhaps I could call Sharon and tell her that I didn’t have a date to bring and ask her if she had invited any single men who also need a date.  No, then I would look pathetic.  Pathetic and desperate, a sad combination.

I looked at the invitation again.  The date of the wedding was six weeks away.  I had to come up with a plan of action.  Humm.  I could go out and actively pursue men.  Let’s see.  If I met a man this weekend, we could have three, four, possibly five dates before Sharon’s wedding.  We would appear comfortable together and after six weeks there would be a good possibility of some hand-holding and sweet glances.

But there was the very real possibility that I would not meet a potential “and Guest” right away.  I calculated, if I met someone two or three weeks from now, we might only be able to get in a few dates before the wedding.  This could create a familiarity and comfort issue.  What if I don’t know him well enough to determine what his idea of formal wear is?  It could be an expensive suit or a T-shirt with a tuxedo stenciled on the front.

I considered going to a popular restaurant in my neighborhood and making the announcement that I had been invited to a wedding.  I would explain that I had been asked to bring a date and that I would be interviewing applicants from the hours of nine to eleven at the end of the bar.  Along with proof of employment and a valid driver’s license, a list of three references must be provided.  Transients and drunks need not apply.

The weeks flew by and before I knew it Sharon’s wedding day had come.  I had not arranged for an “and Guest.”  I was going to the wedding alone, unescorted.  Things could be worse, I thought.  Sharon could have asked me to be a bridesmaid.

(From The Grumbling of a Chronically Single Woman, By Randi Sherman author of PAULA TAKES A RISK)

Bachelorette Shower - from Grumblings... By the Author of Paula Takes a Risk - Available March 2012

Bachelorette Shower

“The gift is in the giving.”  That’s what they say.  True-giving selflessness happens when a person does not expect anything in return for his or her actions. Sure. Okay, whatever you say.  But, after years of attending countless bridal and baby showers and purchasing one gift after another, I’ve become fed up.  How about some gift reciprocation?  Do I have to have an engagement ring or a fetus in order to receive a congratulatory gift?  Is this fair? Just because I don’t have a husband-pending doesn’t mean I don’t need mixing bowls. If you cut me, do I not bleed?  If I’m unmarried, do I not need cutlery?

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have schlepped myself to the Pottery Barn or to a department store, in the name of friendship, to be faced with the saleswoman who is in possession of a gift registry list.  Or worse, spending thirty minutes trying to call up the list on the customer computer system that is “Out of Order.”  Not to mention the frustration of trying to decipher the meaning of M #1322 chg gls 12 or Horizon tstr bgl 1. It’s amazing to me that no matter how soon I get to the store following the wedding announcement, with the exception of the designer dishtowels and an oven-mitt-apron combination, none of the ‘affordable’ gifts on the registry list are left to purchase.

The idea of a bridal shower is fine.   But why should it be designated for only those people who have a wedding date set?  I ask you, who needs crystal stemware, dinnerware and serving pieces more than the single gal?  How am I supposed to impress a husband candidate with the chipped stoneware dishes, glassware from the gas station and my mother’s hand-me-down silverware?

Frankly, I am in need of entertainment equipment. And I think that it’s high time that there is a venue for the single woman to recoup some of her gift giving investment and collect some badly needed items.

I propose the idea of a Bachlorette Shower, a celebration of the unmarried status.  Throw a party for the woman who is single, confident and proud.  It’s a shin-dig for the woman who smiles and politely listens, without bursting into flames as her well meaning friends run down the annoying, yet benign, list of comments.

“When are you going to stop running around and settle down?”

“Poor thing.  You must be lonely.” 

“Don’t you want to get married?”

“Maybe I know someone for you.”

The agenda for the Bachelorette Shower would include the opening of congratulatory gifts which include the much needed, impressive serving pieces and crystal, and the dating essentials which include lingerie, date-outfits and gift certificates for spa treatments. In place of usual shower activities and games that include building a gift-bow bouquet and guessing a baby’s birth weight, the Bachelorette Shower would have drinking games, lively discussions about sex and a friendly competition about who has had the worst date.

It’s high time we celebrate the Bachelorette.  After spending thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours honoring those who have had life changing events, it’s time for the single woman to recoup some of her effort in the form of gifts, and well wishes from those who have benefited in the past.