Stood up - by Randi M Sherman, author of Paula Takes a Risk, Available March 2012

Stood-up 

Let’s face it.  Being stood-up is a humiliating experience.  There are basically two types of the “stand-up.”  Private and Public.  The Private “stand-up” is the slightly less humiliating of the two, in that, it usually happens in at home where there is not an audience present to witness it.  The Public “stand-up”, on the other hand, occurs in a public gathering place such as a restaurant or bar where multiple people can pity you as you look at your watch for the hundredth time and glance at the door every time it opens.  In either form, the victim does not necessarily deserve the treatment.  There is nothing unusual or distinguishing about the stand-up victim.  She can be placed anywhere on the scale from drop dead gorgeous to can’t-believe-it-look-again ugly.  She can be brilliant or braindead.  No matter who she is, once she has been “stood up” she will experience the five stages of being “stood up”: Denial, Anger, Despair, Acceptance and Revenge.

Denial

When he doesn’t materialize at the designated time and place, the victim will, first, give him the benefit of the doubt. She will rationalize the situation.  Perhaps he’s having car trouble, parking problems, or stopped to buy flowers.  Perhaps he’s been in an accident and is lying in an emergency room somewhere. She waits patiently, taking care not to wrinkle her date outfit. Perhaps she’s have a glass of wine or two … or five to create the illusion that she had intended to be in that place at that time, alone. She may even call home to check the answer machine. 

After rationalizing all of the possible scenarios, self-doubt sets in.  She wracks her brain.  Perhaps she misunderstood the arrangement.  Is this the right night?  The right place?  More importantly, she focuses her energy on trying to not look pathetic.  After an hour of “I’ll give him just five more minutes,” her denial turns to anger.

Anger

Once she concedes to the fact that the guy is just not going to show, anger sets in.  So, where the hell is he anyway? He had better be lying in a ditch somewhere.  Did this moron ever have the intention to show up?  But wait, is it his fault?  She searches for someone to blame.  What about the so-called friend who arranged this set-up?  She begins planning the torture to be inflicted upon the matchmaker.  Someone must pay for this humiliation!

Despair

When she catches herself seething, she realizes that this is wasted energy and thoughts of self-loathing set in. I’m a loser.  My selection criteria and process is so pathetic that I set myself up for disappointment.  Why couldn’t I see this coming?  No one wants to go out with me anyhow.  I just know that a support group has been formed for the men who need to take twelve steps beyond the experience.  They’re meeting in a church basement right now.

Then the sinking feeling in her stomach sets in.  “Oh no, what am I going to tell my friends now?  Especially now that I have spent the past week telling them how excited I was about this date.”  “I told them that he was crazy about me.”  At that moment, the stand-up victim must decide if she will tell her co-workers the truth or fabricate an elaborate lie about a fictitious date.

Acceptance

She’ll eventually concede to the fact that the date was just not meant to be.  Things could be worse.  After all, she could be sitting there a bouquet of balloons for the man who never showed.  Instead, she could just go home or order another glass of wine and start flirting with the man at the end of the bar or call a good friend to come and meet her.  They could sit there and laugh at the potential punishment she could inflict on the offender.  Revenge is a sweet thought.

Revenge

Revenge is one side of a very thin line.  She doesn’t want to appear psychotic. She will spend time thinking about of the perfect soap-opera-esque thing to say if the opportunity ever presented itself.  She’ll fantasize about delivering the one or two phrases that will leave him wounded and provoke an immediate change in his behavior.

She may choose to call and leave cryptic messages on his answer machine, perhaps demand an explanation. Depending on his level of popularity and her level of outrage, she might make an effort to ruin his reputation.  Unfortunately, most revenge efforts only result in her looking foolish and bitter. But someone must pay! So she calls the friend who arranged the set-up and threatens to submit an invoice for the cost of the date-outfit, the mileage and time.

So another evening bit the dust.  There would be other men, other self- doubts and other dating opportunities.  A lesson has been learned and she would be a victim no more.  The next time, if there is one, she will demand a valuable personal item or an imprint of his credit card as insurance that her date will materialize or face severe monetary penalty.

Hows my hair? - from Grumblings of a Chronically Single Woman by Randi M Sherman, the Author of Paula Takes a Risk,available 2012

How’s my hair?

Waking up and hearing breathing, other than your own, can be exciting, terrifying, or embarrassing.  To confirm your suspicions, you may slowly and quietly reach back to feel for a body lying beside you. Hopefully, you know who it is.  Without moving, use only your eyes to search the room for condom wrappers.  An uneasy feeling sneaks up on you as you tightly shut your eyes to consider the two questions that need to be answered before you indicate that you’re awake.  Was this a good thing? And, how’s my hair? 

No matter what the answer to the moral issue is, whether you want to marry this guy, suffer through coffee and a bagel or ask him lose your number, the hair question must be addressed first.  Sure, morning breath is an issue, but not a priority.  Rest easily knowing that no one wakes up with fresh breath. A quick back-of-the-finger-under-eye rub can minimize the remnants of yesterday’s make-up.  But, a bad case of bedhead can play havoc with the self-confidence and the ability to project a carefree easy-going attitude.

Do not call attention to your level of wakefulness.  If he senses that you are awake, he may want to talk or … something.  You may lose the window of opportunity for hair repair.  It is important to concentrate on your breathing to maintain a sleeping rhythm as you attempt to assess the hair situation. The movement must look as if it’s a part on your waking process. Pretend you’re stretching.  Run your hands through your hair to determine the pillow damage sustained during the night.  Is it salvageable?  Has it gone wild?  Is it sticking up? Do you have a Gumby bump? Is it flat on one side? Can a quick pass with your fingers temporarily fix the damage until you can get to the bathroom for the full inspection and adjustment?

Remember the goal is to avoid having to answer questions such as: What’s going on with your hair?  Or, What happened to you?  Go through you mental checklist. Does he require glasses to see?  Is it possible to make a dash for the bathroom?  How long can I hold my head-position on this pillow?  When all else fails, divert his attention with sex.

Order Food - from: Grumbings.... by Randi Sherman, the author of Paula Takes a Risk, available March 2012

Order Food

There are different types of food to order for different occasions.  There is interview food.  That is, during a job interview process, you maybe asked to meet for lunch or dinner. Food is not the reason for the meeting is it just an excuse. In that situation do not order loud food, finger food, messy food or food that requires a lot of attention or effort to eat.  Conversely, there is Super Bowl party food. Loud, crunchy, messy food.  In this situation, the food is equally as important as the occasion.  But what about first date food?

Within seconds of glancing at the menu, I usually spot the meal I would really like to order.  But what is the appropriate thing to order? No matter how self-assured I may be, I don’t want to appear to be a pig.  So, I’ll sit back and allow him to set the standard.

Time passes as I sit there wishing that I had mind reading capabilities to determine what is he going to order.  What if I order more food than he does?  What if I order something too expensive? Oh no! Suddenly, I cringe at the thought of my regular eating habits.  Gobbling down a jumbo burger and a large order of fries, in the time it takes for a traffic signal to change from red to green, or consuming a bag of chips, leftover Chinese food and a few cookies in the eight minutes it takes to microwave my real dinner, could be frightening to the faint of heart. 

Will my food preferences make an impression?  Good or bad?  Is my best bet is to order a salad, something from the appetizer menu or nothing at all?  This tactic may give him the impression that I eat like a bird, that I’m delicate. Who am I kidding?

Many women under estimate the intelligence of the men they date. I have found that most men have, at least, a basic knowledge of bodily function.  They know that human body requires food to sustain life and they do not believe that it can survive on “something light” or just a small tossed salad.  They also realize that it takes more than a small plate of steamed vegetables for a woman to maintain 180 pounds of weight.

The proclamation, “I’m not really hungry” is a lie.  You know it.  He knows it. The only thing you may accomplish with this line is in convincing your date that you must eat like a horse when you are alone, at home. 

The proclamation, “I had a late lunch,” is an insult.  This single sentence informs your date that you made a conscious decision to ruin your appetite and the dinner plans he had made for the two of you.

If your thought is to save him money, forget it.  Men are not impressed by the fact that you are counting their money.

Your date is not going to be impressed with your self-control.  A request for dressing on the side, a lemon wedge or something grilled “dry” is about as intriguing as reporting that you don’t kiss on the first date. 

After a brief study of the situation, my suggestion is: if you are hungry, order food.